Back To Eden

Back To Eden

Linda is becoming a very good gardener lately. Too, we are discovering the importance & power of food; where it comes from, who grows it, & how it is produced. In America we have the cheapest food costs of any developed nation & at the same time the highest medical costs. You are what your eat.  This documentary, like this one called Fresh, have quirky characters, but they are sincere.

Although not directly related, these subjects can do much to inform our theology. God has a long history of relating to his people through the rhythms of the seasons. In today's world we rely heavily on engineering, both in the field & in the church. Gardening has much to teach us about why seasons are important.

Giving 100%

Life's been full to say the least.

Recently I was presented with a statistic I've heard a thousand times: "20% of the church does 80% of the work." I contested the statement, but I think my objections fell short to a statistic that, within our current popular church culture, is as good as gold.

To me, this statistic is complete nonsense. It didn't use to be. When I was the pastor of a large church & much of our time was devoted to in house administration work within the church, I understood the stat very well; & in this context it might be true. However, as my theology has been rocked by my current theological context my understanding of "church" & "work" have been greatly renewed. Not only does this stat no longer hold its weight, I would argue it does much damage to those within the church who don't feel called or led to take up a role within the church, but are being used by God in their daily lives.

In light of this, my stat is: "100% of the church is doing 100% of the work God intends it to do 100% of the time." This statement lays a heavy load on God & takes much of the weight off of us. God is constantly at work in & through his church.

Some questions to wrestle with: What exactly is the work of the church? Who are the people doing the work? Are certain forms of work more valid than others? Do we esteem some work over others? Is being a small group leader more important to God than being an outstanding baker (or brewer)? What's the difference, in God's eyes, between an Usher & a construction worker who are both born-again?

Let me expand on this question: Is preaching more important than being a stay at home mom? Most "ministry" minded women who become mothers wrestle with this & by ministry I mean in house (church) work. Let me create a short story:

Let's look at the short life of Brenda who is a shining star within the church. Brenda came to church with a friend, loved the music, connected with the Timothy Hybels (or Bill Keller) style preaching, & gave her life to Christ. She brought her husband the next week & he too got saved. They immediately joined a small group & shortly after, Brenda & Jim became interns & then leaders. Brenda then got pregnant with her first child vowing to keep her church schedule. After the birth of Tyler, Brenda soon found out what all parents know: A child changes everything. Because Tyler didn't sleep well, neither did Brenda. She was exhausted all day & night. Too, her relationship with Jim was becoming stressed due to the new baby. Just maintaining a normal relationship with her husband was now very tiring. She tried to maintain her roles within church: Sunday service, & small group leadership, but Tyler, like most babies, wasn't created to sit quietly. Tired & worn out by the normal issues associated with motherhood Brenda had to stop "ministry" & focus on her new child & family.

When exactly did Brenda stop doing ministry? This is a very important question. When did ministry start & when did ministry stop for Brenda? The answer is very simple: Ministry started the moment she became alive in Christ & it hasn't ended.

I think all of this stems from a dearly loved western theology: Dualism. God is in heaven I am on earth. Preaching is spiritual, baking bread is normal. Small group leadership is glorifying to God, being a salesman is not. Being a missions leader is important to God, being a stay at home mom isn't. Is our definition of the 20% God's definition? No.

Communion is one of the biggest slaps in the face to dualism. Simple everyday items demonstrate the promise of God to us here & now: Bread & Wine, not transformed into otherworldly items, but enjoyed as they are in their daily context as they we're meant to be enjoyed. Simple, everyday items. Simple, everyday use. Simply found anywhere & everywhere. Simple everyday items displaying the glory of God. This is the sign of God's everlasting promise to us. Please read: Alexander Schmennan "For the life of the world"

Ministry is us simply doing what it is we do as transformed people.

Have you ever noticed Paul never asked anyone in his churches to abandon their job for the ministry? Baptism is ordination. The people of the church are ministry.

"100% of the church is doing 100% of the work God intends it to do 100% the time."

This is a work in progress; but could you imagine what could happen if we all understood that our daily lives lived in simple ways are exactly how God intends to share redemption with mankind? What would that look like:

Church.

Good Questions

I recently went down to San Diego to hang with some church planters I'm friends with. One of the people within their church emailed me some questions & I thought it would make good food for thought here. 

Thanks for the question, I'll do my best to answer it. 

"It seems to me that the Bible teaches conformity in many ways, in other words, there are only so many leaders and the rest should follow."

Two questions here, first Conformity. The Bible does teach conformity however we have the choice to either obey or do our own thing. The Bible is many things & one of them is "how best to live life." Now WE think we know how to live life, but do we? Do you? I don't. God created humans; I'm learning what it means to be human. I assume He knows best how we should live life in a world which is corrupt by sin. Too, do we actually think we are free from conformity if we don't conform to the Bible? This is foolish. We are mastered by whatever masters us. As I often say, just because you realize your ability to choose doesn't make you mature. I constantly choose the wrong thing. God has never chosen the wrong thing when I've followed his ways. Lastly, here's something I tell people: When I choose to express my "freedom," choosing to do my own thing I discover bondage; when I bind myself to Christ I always find freedom. When conformity always leads to freedom what do we call that? 

Leadership within the church. The irony in this question is that ANYONE can become a leader within the church. That said, most people choose not to take responsibility for anyone other than themselves. Leadership is both a calling & a choice. God calls some to leadership; however God calls everyone to grow up, become like the Father, & take responsibility for the story of redemption ("we are ambassadors in Christ."). Sadly, most people remain infantile in their theology & are solely concerned about their own welfare & not the welfare of others both inside & outside of the church. Anyone can become a leader within the church, including, & hopefully, men of God like you. 

" individual nature of human beings." 

This is an odd cultural assumption we read into the Bible. God himself isn't an individual. The story of mankind has never been about individuals: Adam was given Eve; Noah & his family; Abraham & his family; Joseph & his brothers; Israel being THE main character within the Old Testament; Jesus & the twelve; Paul & his companions; The Trinity. In America we STRESS individualism. Is this right, wrong, or different. I say different; however we have to understand how this effects our theology. Do we have individual nature? Yes. That said, Paul make it plain that Christ is honored above all creation because He gave up His rights for us. Once again, am I most important to me or us? Who am I living for me or us? Is my faithfulness for me or us? Will my life be given so I can feel important or can I see the value in those who will never know me, maybe not appreciate me, but can benefit from me using my individual nature to love what God loves: People. & how does God show his love to people? The people of God living for the purposes of God: CHURCH. Watch the movie: Of Gods & Men. What a privilege we have in being able to be church with each other & the world. Too, we don't lose ourselves in others; we truly find ourselves as we give our life for others like Christ gave His life for us. "Whoever saves his life will lose it, whoever loses their life will find it." Do we believe this? 

Hopefully this answered your questions. If not write me back & ask away. I think God intentioned for us to meet & you are an incredible man of God. 

Blessings, 

Sean 

Growing Up

"Isn't there a subtle pressure in both the Church & society to remain a dependent child? Hasn't the Church in the past stressed obedience in a fashion that made it hard to claim spiritual fatherhood, & hasn't our consumer society encouraged us to indulge in childish self-gratification? Who has truly challenged us to liberate ourselves from immature dependencies & to accept the burden of responsible adults? And aren't we ourselves constantly trying to escape the fearful task of fatherhood?"

"God's compassion is described by Jesus not simply to show me how willing God is to feel for me, or to forgive me my sins & offer me new life & happiness, but to invite me to become like God & to show the same compassion to others as he is showing to me."

"The return to the Father is ultimately the challenge to become the Father."

The Return of the Prodigal Son: Henri Nouwen

Jump Out of the R-t Race

Pastoral Publishing

Below is a great article written by Skye Jethani on the topic of celebrity pastors & Christian publishers. Celebrity is a big deal for us Americans (& I've often wondered about publishing $$) & Christians are no exception. It's worth a look.

Publish Me

Are you pointing at me?

Here's an email my wife recently received: 

"Linda,

I really want to thank you for offering up the rosemary. 

(Ok, stop here. My wife loves to garden so she planted a bunch of rosemary starters & then posted the free starters on freecycle. Several people, including this person accepted the gift.) Resume email... 

I am the only person in my little enclave of a neighborhood of 10 homes that ever does any road maintenance, weed abatement, culvert repair, etc. of the property that is used by all and technically/legally supposed to be cooperatively maintained/paid for. Since I spend my own money (rather than on attorney’s fees and small claims costs to force/sue them to do what they are legally obligated to do) and be as productive as possible, any contributions of free material are most welcome.

The rosemary is going to help prevent erosion and hopefully outcompete Scotch broom I removed on a slope above the culvert that my husband and I installed before last year’s ridiculously wet winter. Fortunately, we alone prevented the roadway from collapsing further and washing out. The broom covered slope is a serious fire hazard and just below the home of an older man in poor health, so I voluntarily protect and maintain that portion of his property for him. Your contribution will benefit many other people than just myself (though most in the enclave don’t recognize, acknowledge or take the time to be grateful).   

We don’t always know the impact our actions have on others; I wanted you to know that your generosity and kindness made a difference."

I am often mystified by people, how complex we are, & how broken we are. I find that I often get blamed for things. Now no doubt I am to blame for all of my actions, & if we engage in a healthy mature conversation I will gladly take all responsibility for my actions; however, what I often find is when people play the blame game the pointer is generally pointed outward. 

One morning I went surfing & paddled by a man as I was trying to get at good spot to sit in the lineup. Well, evidently I made this man mad because he started cussing at me. I calmly paddled up to the man & apologized, which oddly made him cuss at me more, which of course made me more resolute in my apologies until finally he stopped, accepted my apology, & said, "Its not you man. Its just that everyone out here is an idiot." Really. Out of 30+ people out here, you & I are the only non-idiots? I'll surf with them thank you very much.

Surf, culvert repair, work, relationships, church, family: Whose fault is my frustration? 

As I read this email I thought of this woman coming to our church. What would she see?

What would you see? I think what we see often says more about us than what is actually there. Talk to me about your dad, neighbors, co-workers, spouse, friends, etc.

Jesus offers to clean us from the inside so that we might see the outside with healthy eyes. If we're unable to see the outside as it truly is, than we are robbed of ever experiencing real relationships because, how can we truly love something we can't trust, & how can we truly love someone if they bare the burden of our brokeness perceived or real?

Jesus offers to clean us from the inside so that we might see the outside with healthy eyes & truly be able to enjoy surfing, culverts, rosemary, relationships, work, & see people as the image of God everywhere instead of the engine driving the vehicle of my pain.

Oh, So True

Mark Twain

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. "

A Synopsis of our Pastor's Book Club

Here's my friend's recollection of our last Pastor's book club & his invitation to other pastor's in Santa Cruz. Needless to say we have a great time discussing some serious issues. Thankfully we understand disagreement can be a fun process, which leads us away from the fallacy of unity & into the difficult beauty called community.

When I read this I had many thoughts, & wouldn't normally post something with my name in it so often, but it's too funny to pass up, seeing that this is the invitation to our book club many pastors in our city will receive. 

"During a fun-filled discussion of the spiritual implications of fat and dieting, we ate great food and drank deeply at the well of Sean's hard work at mastering the magical qualities of yeast. And let me assure you, Sean is the magician's apprentice when it comes to harnessing the magical qualities that God has created into the world on the microscopic level. Sean makes great beer. In fact, if we all weren't so happy because of our dancing tastebuds, I'm quite sure our tongues would have formed into sharper shapes when a divisive topic like dieting is the ring around which we were all rosey-ing. But happy tongues have a hard time lighting fires, so instead we sang each others praises for disagreeing so tactfully."

 Here's Pastor Jason at one of his church BBQ's.

Help me to Grow Up, Before I Grow Old

This is a list of how to raise grateful kids. I know a few "adults" who would do well to practice the list too.


“What are purposeful, practical ways you’ve tried to train your kids to be grateful?”
Here are several common themes – and a few additions of my own.

1. Travel: expose your kids to different cultures. This will provide perspective that “our way” isn’t the only way to live. Kids will also inherently understand that life isn’t as bad as they might have originally thought.
2. Have your kids spend time hanging around with grateful and wise adults. Invite wise and trusted grownups over for dinner or a BBQ on Saturday afternoon. Role models are significant; surrounding your kids with grateful role models makes sense.
3. Teach gratitude rigorously. Point thankful spirits out in other people. Kneel down and look your kids in the eyes and tell them they did a good job thanking someone else. When they fail to say ‘please’ or ‘thank you,’ lovingly correct and guide them to respond with appropriate words right then and there. Don’t miss the teachable moment.
4. Confront entitlement immediately. Snuff out any spirit of whining or an attitude of “I deserve this” in your kids. Be kind, but firm. Simply do not tolerate it.
5. Make events and outings special, but not assumed. When kids assume special events or trips will always be there, entitlement begins to creep in.
6. Model it. It may seem obvious, but it can be easy for mom and dad to forget that modeling is the most significant way to guide our children. Eliminate sarcasm or complaining in your conversation. Remember: more is caught than taught. 
7. Read Scripture together. The Bible has numerous verses about gratitude. Consider reading from the Psalms regularly or before dinner.
8. Minimize (or eliminate) time with television, advertisements and commercials. The goal of marketing and advertising is to make you discontent with what you currently have. Studies reveal that, regardless of income level, there is a direct correlation between the amount of hours people watch television with the amount of money they spend each month.
9. Give and serve as a family. Seek out ways to serve as a family (and not just around the holidays). Whether its for a few hours at the local soup kitchen or homeless shelter on a Saturday morning or a week-long mission trip, it builds memories, allows for healthy modeling and provides perspective that breeds thankfulness.
10. Find the right balance between work and play. Communicate to your entire family that there will be times where we will play hard and there will be times where we will work hard. Expect both. Create age-appropriate chores – and schedule fun times to make memories together.
11. Refrain from buying everything your kids want. Pushing the cart through the toy section at Target can be dangerous, but don’t give in. At appropriate times, bless your children, but don’t give in to every request for something. The worst thing we can do as parents is to give our kids everything they think they want – when they want it.
12. Refuse the comparison trap. Refuse to allow your kids to compare themselves with other kids, especially regarding possessions and ‘their stuff.’ The root of discontentment is comparison.
13. Watch the language. Have a keen ear for phrases like “I need that doll,” “I want that toy,” “She has ____ and I don’t…” or any other form of whining. If you hear it in the grocery aisle or from the backseat of the van, address it immediately. This includes non-verbals like pouting or smirking.

The Story of Christmas

Grab a glo stick & enjoy the Gift.

Christmas Carols

YESHU JAYANTI KIRTAN - DEVOTIONAL CHANTS TO JESUS

Sunday, December 11th, 7:00-9:00pm at the Pacific Cultural Center in Santa Cruz

This kirtan is a non-denominational event offering devotional chants in praise of Jesus or Yeshu and His Universal Qualities. Hosted by a local group who've been gathering regularly and wish to introduce this sweet form of bhakti to the community. Based on traditional music from Northern India and the musical genius of Chris Hale, Aradhna (www.aradhnamusic.com) . This is an invitation to renew and refresh our spirits with simple melodies and chants filled with devotion to Jesus. Please join us to celebrate the birth of of Light and Love this season!

If you're interested in joining us check out this link.

We are waiting

We are waiting for peace to break out
we are waiting for flowers to bloom
we are waiting for the moon to come
from behind the clouds of war
We are waiting for the light
We are waiting
and as we wait we sing songs of celebration
We are waiting
and as we wait we hold out our hands in love and friendship…
…and as we wait we dance: we dance with the cold east wind
and the creaking singing branches of giant firs
we dance with the devils
of dust and the angels of clouds
We are waiting
and as we wait we are learning the language
of burning roses and sunflowers slowly turning
toward the sun…
(Carlos Reyes)

Christ Has No Body

Christ has no body but yours,

No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
Compassion on this world,
Yours are the feet with which he walks to do good,
Yours are the hands, with which he blesses all the world.
Yours are the hands, yours are the feet,
Yours are the eyes, you are his body.
Christ has no body now but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks

Compassion on this world.
Christ has no body now on earth but yours.

        Teresa of Avila (1515–1582)

The Bay Area

I like to post articles I think share the uniqueness of the Bay Area. Here's another good one:

San Franciscans who prefer to have their food in the nude are facing opposition. Last Thursday, the ironically named Supervisor Scott Wiener proposed an ordinance on public nudity etiquette that would require nudists dining in restaurants to forgo their naturalist ways and don clothing.

Public nudity is legal in San Francisco as long as the nude individual is not in a state of arousal. But last Thursday's meeting of the Board of Supervisors' Public Safety Committee resulted in a ruling that, if approved by the full Board, will ban practicing nudists from public eateries, the San Francisco Chronicle reports. Wiener's proposal also requires those in the buff to place down a towel or barrier of some sort before they sit down on public seating.

"San Francisco is a liberal and tolerant city, and we pride ourselves on that fact," Supervisor Wiener said in a statement. "Yet, while we have a variety of views about public nudity, we can all agree that when you sit down naked, you should cover the seat, and that you should cover up when you go into a food establishment."

The hearing did not draw the throngs of nude enthusiasts that the committee expected. Only two individuals showed up to testify and they were for Wiener's proposal. The ban is not thought to be an attempt to outlaw nudity in San Francisco altogether but rather is a simple issue of public health.

Why?

As a follower of Jesus I'm regularly challenged by why I do things. Why did I move to Santa Cruz? Why share the love of Christ? Why serve? Why love? Why do I do the things I do for Jesus?

I ask this question of myself because this is where I find a great deal of tension in my own life. I feel as if my desire to do these things often results in less than expected results; this leads to my disappointment & I then wonder if what I've done was"worth it." Too, I often wonder if what I'm doing is only for myself so that I feel o.k with the insecurity of  whether or not I matter.

Yet today, as I was sitting out on the ocean waiting for good waves, I was struck by the revelation that I generally do what I do not because of my devotion to God, but for the results themselves. Results aren't bad; they are the outcome of our actions. Yet am I living my life in order to get results or am I living my life because I'm loved & in love with God? One never ceases to amaze; the other never satisfies.

Today I dropped into a really big wave (9ft+) & barely made the  landing. People were hollering, as they often do on a great wave, & I felt the rush of my results; yet by the end of my surf session I was tired, & those who had witnessed my earlier exploits were gone, & I was surrounded by a new group of people who were snagging all the waves making me feel kinda' lame. The fulfillment of my results didn't last even 2hrs; why not just enjoy the water?

I'm not convinced results are the goal in almost any venture. 

This is no simple task, but I want to do what I do because I'm loved; Too, I want to do because I deeply believe in what it is I'm doing regardless of what "happens." I assume real art results from this perspective. I want to be who I am because it's worship. I want to alleviate myself of what was never mine: The Outcome.

Easier said than done.

Keep Santa Cruz Weird

...fact is stranger than fiction. 

Woman jailed after throwing a duck in Santa Cruz

Sentinel staff report

Posted: 09/24/2011 08:07:44 PM PDT

SANTA CRUZ - Authorities were called to the 700 block of 41st Avenue Saturday afternoon for reports of an intoxicated woman abusing a duck.
According to a Santa Cruz Sheriff's Office, deputies received a call that a woman was drunk and was refusing to leave a business just after 4 p.m. The caller also said the woman was throwing a duck to the ground and apparently also trying to strangle it with some sort of leash.
When officers arrived at the scene, deputies found an intoxicated woman throwing the duck around. It was not immediately known whether the duck was wild or domesticated, or if it was the woman's pet.
The woman, whose name has not yet been released, was taken to County Jail on charges of public intoxication while deputies tried to catch the duck.
Deputies said Saturday that the animal appeared to be uninjured, but they planned to take it to the Santa Cruz County Animal Shelter for evaluation.

Just For You

A funny video a friend sent me the other day.

Who is Your Standard?

I'm thankful to God for many reasons & certainly one reason is Jesus. I'm thankful for the gospel, & to be honest, I'm becoming even more thankful as the gospel continues to reveal itself to me through the years. There is no end to the transformative power of what God has done for us; Jesus is the apex of life.

Jesus is not only the one who gives life, but He's also the example. When I think, "Who is the Standard," of being human? Who is the standard of how to treat others? Who is the standard on how to forgive? Who is the standard on how to live? Who is God's standard on what it means to be human; once again we look to Jesus.

Now many might think this an impossible task; "I can't be Jesus." Rightly so, but no one is asking any of us to BE Jesus because He's one of a kind; however, God presented Jesus as the standard not because it's impossible so we might always be presented with failure, but because it is doable, with His help of course. Now without a doubt we will all fall short of His standard, but it's not about arriving as much as it's about abiding. Abiding in Christ, daily, hourly, through the laughter & tears; this leads us to Christ-likeness, which when you read Paul is one of the main objects of the Spirit in our lives.

Is it easy, no; yet as I look around the landscape of those who know Christ & those who don't, I find it's easier to choose Jesus as the standard of what it means to be a man than the option presented by those who use themselves as the standard.

^1-4If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.  ^5-8Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself.

Pole Dancing for Jesus

My wife shared a story about a Santa Cruz Bible study she was a part of discussing Christian women & pole dancing. Evidently most of the women in the group had heard of Christian women enjoying this form of "exercise" & didn't seem to think it weird or wrong (since "I" get to define what's wrong & right--right?). Below is the film & after is a post written about the subject followed by a comment on her blog, followed by my confusion.

The Pornification of Marriage

Posted on August 24, 2011 by elizabeth

So, what’s the deal with Christian women and stripper poles?
Apparently, Christian women learning to pole dance is no big deal because, you know, it’s “good exercise.”
I mean, seriously. Has pornography so infiltrated every corner of society that now even Christian women think pole dancing is a cute, fun way to “spice-up” their exercise routine?

The other day I saw a young girl proudly sporting a glittery Playboy bunny T-shirt as if it were somehow a symbol of her female empowerment. And my heart just broke. You know pornography is winning when little girls start wearing pornographic merchandise.

And that’s our fault. When adult women refuse to decry the objectification of women and instead normalize it by calling pole-dancing “good exercise,” we send the message to our daughters that pornographic behavior is OK. No wonder our little girls are confused!

As the womanizing character from the movie “Crazy, Stupid Love” said: “Men won the battle of the sexes as soon as women started doing pole dancing as exercise.”

So, where did this come from? How did pornographic ideas about sex manage to infiltrate Christianity? I have an theory about this:
It comes from pastors who preach that sex is primarily recreational.
Here’s what I mean: I’ve heard pastors preach that since the “marriage bed is undefiled” any sexual act is permissible and sanctified within marriage. In other words, as long as it happens within the context of marriage, ANYTHING goes.

By preaching that “anything goes,” a pastor unwittingly promotes pornographic ideas about sex; ie. that it should be available 24/7, that a wife should strive to present herself as a fantasy-mate, that sex is utterly detached from its life-giving, soul-creating power.

Is that what that what “the marriage bed is undefiled” really means? Because I’m not sure that verse is license for installing a stripper pole in your bedroom.
Could the marriage bed being undefiled mean that since it is undefiled, Christians ought not defile it by dragging in a bunch of pornified ideas about sex?
I think Christians should always be on guard when the “spice-up-your-marriage-advice” takes its cue from our porn-ified culture.

My guess is that many Christians have bought into the idea that the purpose of sex is primarily recreational. When sex is primarily recreational, it’s really quite easy to start justifying any lustful urge–as if the fact that it happens within marriage somehow sanctifies it.

Here’s the thing, if my husband wanted me to do a stripper-pole routine for him (which he never would), I’d say no. Why? Because the stripper pole is a symbol of female objectification and I fail to see how that changes just because we haul it into a Christian bedroom.

Sure, I want to remain beautiful and attractive for my husband but I refuse to believe that that somehow means I have to degrade myself by adhering to a standard set by strippers and prostitutes. Just because Jesus dined with prostitutes and tax-collectors doesn’t mean He started acting like them!
When pastors preach that ANYTHING goes in the marriage bed, I feel like this is an interpretation shaped by pornography and not by kingdom values. It’s a sad irony that we Christians bristle at the suggestion of letting God into our sex lives, but we gladly fling open the door to pornographic ideas about sex.

I guess I thought the general consensus among Christians was that purity within marriage was an obvious requirement. Has this changed?

from Chuck:

I work as a psychotherapist, primarily in the Christian community (but don’t call me a “christian counselor” – there’s no such thing, IMHO), and primarily with issues of sexual integrity (like porn addiction).

I completely agree with you about the pornification of marriage. In fact, I’ll even take things a bit further by saying publicly here something I’ve often said privately elsewhere…
Porn for a man is (imagined) sex with a woman who will not or cannot say “no”. There is no emotional risk involved, and no expectations on him for any kind of relationship. In short, it’s sexual violence. Porn for a woman is (again, imagined) sex with a man who will not or cannot fail her relationally. He will always be “romantic” and “make” her feel special (like anybody can actually force somebody to feel anything??) It’s not love, because there is no risk.

So what do we do in most of our “Christian” marriage conferences and seminars? (BTW, I HATE using the word Christian as an adjective – that’s why it’s in quotes – but that’s a whole other deal…) I those conferences, men are told to be more romantic, get out the candles and the soft music, send cards, make her feel special. Women are told to be more sexually available and assertive, “give him your body,” and for heaven’s sake, NEVER say “no.” In short (using my definitions above): be more like porn for each other.

How in GOD’s holy name (and I mean this prayerfully!) does that honor His image and likeness, in which we are made? How does it invite us to think about sexual union being one of the highest forms of worship that humans are capable of? “Two becoming one in the presence of God” is, IMHO, the closest we can come to experiencing, celebrating, and yes, worshipping Trinity. Our loving, relational GOD.

 My thoughts: I wish people would realize the church is here to help us all not get too weird. When the church (historical & contemporary) says, in a mature Biblical way, "that's within bounds," it's within bounds, & thankfully there are a lot of things within bounds. We aren't a cult so there are differences as to what's in bounds, but when, for the most part, the church (historical & contemporary) gives the thumbs up, we're cool; when the church says, "that's confusing, could be hurtful, & is something that generally hasn't worked out" we should listen. That said, we do live in the land of me, myself, & I, so even the idea of we over me isn't a playground reinforced idea, & so grows the fruit. Sex, in marriage or not, is at first elating & then a source of constant communication; I'm not seeing this as very helpful.