Pastors are caught within a wonderful dynamic: On the one hand I need to be an example of what it means to be successful follower of Christ; on the other hand I am not, & never will be totally successful. What makes this more interesting is the neverending appeal of religion; Those who do good are--gooder & I am the gooderest of them all. Right? However, I'm not good.

What is the role of a pastor? To create the "That's it" image? I need to teach Saints & non-saints how to be: Broken, angry, forgive, sexually appropriate, depressed, frustrated, etc. However, do I teach them from the position of: "When I used to..." or "Last week when I..." Don't I have a pious image to uphold, since no one wants to follow a loser? Especially a pastor who wrestles with sin. No doubt there are limits to my involvement with any sin & it's ability to control me vs. my ability to yield to the Spirit. However, we can so easily create a theology of leadership, which says, "Follow me as I follow Christ" because, "I've arrived," vs. "I've been working on this for years, & I'm still walking."

Yesterday at a meeting of pastors I sat & listened for some time as one of our brothers spoke about the pressure of leadership. One of the things I kept hearing was his inability to share his failings. More importantly, share his feelings with this group of pastors who meet monthly & have traveled many miles together. Why?

Aren't the broken blessed? The poor in Spirit happy? The hungry full? We've replaced servant leadership with CEO leadership. We've replaced transparent friendship with church. We've replaced dependence with independence & call it discretion & then wonder why the volcano erupted; we had no warning. You always seemed like you were doing so well; we thought you had everything together; You created an image we all wanted. Sadly you created an image & not reality. You created an image God has never desired.

We create churches where people can't share the very things that would bring them freedom. Why? Because if they did they would be disqualified. From what? Being like the pastor? One of the greatest theological problems people have today about church is this: Church isn't for bad people it's for good people!?!? Go ask 20 people: "Is church filled with good or bad people." Why do they believe this? When's the last time you went to church & saw real people dealing with real stuff? Who starts this crap? I do.

Yesterday I asked a simple question: "After listening to you discuss all of this (transparency) I'm confused as to the reputation I'm trying to uphold & to whom?"

I understand Christians want to follow a leader with the gooderest reputation; however, many of those same Christians aren't cutting the cake. At least not in the Bay Area. Who do I want to relate to/attract: Christians or "He wrestles?"

Jesus didn't come to make bad people good into good people. I am redeemed. I am a saint. I wrestle with sin. I am a great example; of someone who follows Jesus. The scars on my knees prove I have fallen several times. My new shoes prove I want to walk some more. I don't have it all together; I am however walking & have walked for some time now & people can relate to that--at least broken people can.