Jean Vanier: On Sex

This is my wife's post, so since we're one in flesh--often--I figured this would be good on my blog too! Enjoy.

The Newleywed Bed
I seem to be passionate lately about sharing the naked truth about matters of sexuality. There are a lot of things I learned growing up, but I am a late bloomer when it comes to this conversation topic. As a newlywed I would have greatly appreciated some honest talks from women who knew the truth about normal and healthy sexuality rather than basing my knowledge and expectations on TV and other popular media. There may have been women around who were willing to share, but the truth is when it came to questions about sexuality, I just never asked!


So far, I've found little truth about healthy sexuality on TV. As a newlywed mentioned to her virgin friend, "I haven't seen a sex scene yet that is realistic!" She's right. Hopefully, though, she at least has someone to steer her to some honest resources and candid conversations about realistic expectations and healthy sexuality. Hopefully she finds out that she is somewhere in the realm of normal in her newlywed experience.


Some friends and I are currently reading Man and Woman God Made Them by Jean Vanier. I am more than willing to talk openly about sexuality, but not so graceful about bringing up the subject on my own. This book has been the perfect way for us to start good conversations and shed some light on many popular myths. The following quote started a wonderful conversation since most virgins are shocked by Vanier's comments about the time of adjustment and how long it may be before a woman experiences an orgasm.


"Sexual education is not so much a practical manual of what one must do and how, as a basis for harmonious sexual relationship, but rather a matter of helping people to be at ease with their own sexuality. It implies growth in the capacity to see the other as someone with needs. It also includes helping people to face the challenges and difficulties involved in relationships. This is, in fact, apprenticeship for true love. In most couples it takes a long, long time for one, or both, of the persons to have fulfilling and joyful sexual relationships. Often it is the woman who has the longest period of adjustment. There can be pain involved, or failure to have an orgasm. This can last for years. This is a real learning process that requires much sensitivity towards the other (and most often it is the man who has to learn to be sensitive to the woman's body). It is important for young people to know that sexual relationships don't 'work', are not completely fulfilling, right from the start."


I haven't seen that scene in a movie yet.


I find Jean Vanier's delivery of truth in this book to be refreshing. Why don't we talk about this stuff more often? Okay, okay, as I mentioned earlier, I am not the most graceful at bringing up intimate issues. It's not like I'm going to say, "Hey friend! How's your week going? By the way, it may be a year or more before you experience an orgasm. Just thought you should know."


But I am, however, going to find a way to expose as much truth as possible in my daily life. For me this means intentionally choosing a book on sexuality to read with some friends. It means posting faithfully about healthy sexuality when I find resources worth sharing.


It also means getting used to pointing out false truths that I watch on movies with my kids (regarding sexuality, or any other myths I see presented in movies we watch together). I might even pause the movie and say, "This is just a movie. This movie is pretend. In real life it's more like this..." I am certainly not going sit there and by my presence place my seal of approval on some dream world notions about life and sexuality that will be cruelly crushed when they come face to face with reality. Nope. Not me. I am going to speak truth and hopefully equip my kids, my friends, (and heck, you, the general public who may read my blog) with some tools to deal with reality.


So today there are some myths to dispel. Sex is not all about me, nor is it all about sensual pleasure (though pleasure is a definite bonus). In a healthy relationship there is a lot of give and take, a lot of communication and sensitivity to the other person's needs. Learning about making love is a process that is both beautiful and awkward in the best sense of the word.


Let me tell you that more complete sexual pleasure usually comes a long way into a committed relationship as two people become more and more in tune with one another, more and more intimately acquainted. Shy and clumsy, strange and funny, practice and failure are all part of real life picture perfect. Not only does intimacy become more pleasurable over time, but the journey made with one committed partner is truly better than any movie could ever depict.


I fear that there are many women in particular who are sadly disappointed in their sexual experiences as they seek love and affection from a man who is not committed for the long haul. Also, I fear that many newlyweds are left with feelings of failure and insecurity when they realize that their intimate life is not picture perfect like they imagined. They have simply been presented with an unrealistic and highly romanticized 'picture perfect'.


Much of this could be avoided, or at the least understood, if we are faithful to speak openly and candidly about sexuality with our kids and other who are looking to us for guidance. Trust me, I am not the best at this, but I am more than willing to embarrass myself in the process. I think it's worth it to be real for the sake of relational and sexual health that should be the blessing of every marriage and every marriage bed!


Please join the conversation in the comments section. I value your opinion and would love to hear your perspective. Feel free to be "anonymous" if that enables you to share more freely, or email me if you want to discuss more in private.