Why?

As a follower of Jesus I'm regularly challenged by why I do things. Why did I move to Santa Cruz? Why share the love of Christ? Why serve? Why love? Why do I do the things I do for Jesus?

I ask this question of myself because this is where I find a great deal of tension in my own life. I feel as if my desire to do these things often results in less than expected results; this leads to my disappointment & I then wonder if what I've done was"worth it." Too, I often wonder if what I'm doing is only for myself so that I feel o.k with the insecurity of  whether or not I matter.

Yet today, as I was sitting out on the ocean waiting for good waves, I was struck by the revelation that I generally do what I do not because of my devotion to God, but for the results themselves. Results aren't bad; they are the outcome of our actions. Yet am I living my life in order to get results or am I living my life because I'm loved & in love with God? One never ceases to amaze; the other never satisfies.

Today I dropped into a really big wave (9ft+) & barely made the  landing. People were hollering, as they often do on a great wave, & I felt the rush of my results; yet by the end of my surf session I was tired, & those who had witnessed my earlier exploits were gone, & I was surrounded by a new group of people who were snagging all the waves making me feel kinda' lame. The fulfillment of my results didn't last even 2hrs; why not just enjoy the water?

I'm not convinced results are the goal in almost any venture. 

This is no simple task, but I want to do what I do because I'm loved; Too, I want to do because I deeply believe in what it is I'm doing regardless of what "happens." I assume real art results from this perspective. I want to be who I am because it's worship. I want to alleviate myself of what was never mine: The Outcome.

Easier said than done.