This is a response to a question within our church. We've all wrestled with similar issues, & to be honest, will wrestle with them again.

"I think what you're doing is great. Yeah, this is a hard one. All of us have dysfunctions that over time will come to the surface in one way or another. Generally, what comes to the surface, isn't really the issue, but the fruit of the sin or dysfunction that person deals with. Obviously we will make things a bit more complicated because we have sin too; however, because of our maturity in Christ we don't intentionally complicate things, but we are always attempting to reconcile the situation. Now a person has a couple of choices when faced with a sin issue, namely in the area of responsibility or, "Who is to blame for this problem." They can take responsibility for the "fruit" their inward dysfunctions are creating; or, they blame their circumstances, which will include us because we are making it too hard on them. No doubt, circumstances can become difficult, including circumstances we create as a church, & we will take responsibility for our part. However, when it comes to sin & maturity, circumstances won't create new sin, they will however reveal the sin that has existed in the person yet has remained safely tucked away generally labeled as: “That’s just a part of who I am.” So, who is to blame? My experience has shown me that those who are Poor in Spirit, Broken, etc...will take responsibility for whatever part they play within the conflict; confessing our responsibility & sin brings freedom & goes the distance in helping us become more Christ-like. Yet, those who continually blame their circumstances easily allow themselves to become the "victim" whenever they choose; this is a never ending cycle of convenience: sin. We all encounter hard times, but maturity always points to ME & my part in the problem & leads me to the feet of Jesus who can then heal me. In this case: pray, repent for our actions, challenge the sin issue you see happening in both parties & ask yourself, “What’s the next gracious step for us all?” Too, draw upon your experience. You too wrestled with something very similar & because of your choices have a great deal of authority in this area."