I'm starting to see a common theme in the lives of people: How we deal with conflict really defines a large portion of our life. Too, how our parents dealt with conflict REALLY has an effect on our lives. As I continue to spend time with people I'm realizing many of their, or my, or our, problems revolve around how we deal with conflict. Therefore, to the degree we have healthy conflict we will have a healthy relationship; likewise, to the degree that we have unhealthy conflict we will have unhealthy relationships. How we deal with conflict defines a large portion of our lives.

Conflict can be huge--a fist fight. Conflict can be small--"What type of toppings do WE want on OUR pizza." No matter how big or small, people really aren't equipped to deal with conflict & therefore create a bunch of coping mechanisms: Work, denial, various drugs, booze, chocolate, hobbies, anger, sex, porn, Facebook, seclusion, crowds, laziness, etc. Instead of actually confronting the conflict we allow it to drive us into various habits & many of them self-destructive; which always means destructive relationships, since no one lives in a relational vacuum (no matter how hard we try). As in a recent sermon I gave: "You either speak out your frustrations or you act out your frustrations; these are the only options." Unresolved conflict doesn't go away until you deal with it.

I am often amazed by people’s ability to not DEAL with the actual problems! If only we applied similar discipline to helpful or Christ-like habits; the world would be a different place. Instead we allow unresolved conflict to run rampant in our souls & relationships. So we see repeated themes throughout our relationships. We literally get stuck on stupid, until we deal with it.

Conflicts almost always start small, like a match. However, if the match isn’t dealt with, “before the sun goes down…” it grows, & grows, & grows, until it is out of proportion & then you need helicopters, fire engines, & state financing in order to put out the fire started by the small, often meaningless match. Dealing with my hurt ASAP is very important: “Before the sun goes down.” If not, when the sun comes up, & the heat of the day presses on, the flames of the previous day's match are joined by the new matches of the new day.

Why is conflict bad? I have conflict with myself & others all day. This isn’t because I’m really picky or mean. It is a result of the Fall, but conflict is a normal part of life.

Healthy people have healthy conflicts. Healthy conflicts make healthy relationships. Unresolved conflicts require medication. Unresolved conflicts create unhealthy relationships. It’s great to have healthy conflict, because I’m creating a real, genuine, healthy friendship with someone. Healthy conflict is the beginning & not the END of a healthy relationship! Sadly, in most cultures, conflict is always bad, so we pretend it isn't there until: "Hey Linda the house is burning down. Wanna' talk?"